My godmother and I.
I heard about my godmother’s death while I was on vacation.
I didn’t feel a sharp pain or a huge loss. I was calm. After all, I hadn’t had any contact with her for the past 20 years. We weren’t that close, yet still she was my godmother.
I know she loved me and only wanted the best for me. I also know that I loved her, and I wish she could feel that all encompassing love now.
I realize that we just weren’t that compatible – we weren’t close. We were like people speaking a different love language; she couldn’t make me understand that she loved me, and I probably couldn’t make her feel that I loved her either.
She left Switzerland to move to Italy when I was 14 years old. Italy seemed so far away. There were no mobile phones or email, and we fell out of contact with one another.
And maybe she expected me to initiate contact; maybe I was just too young to worry about keeping it. I was growing up to become a woman, a wife, and a mother without her as a role model in my life. I missed out on the closeness and I missed out on the understanding and empathy that normally come from a godmother.
When I think back, I understand that she couldn’t have been any different from who she was. She suffered many hardships in her life that shaped her as a person.
Like me, she was a single mother of three. She became a widow when her 3 girls were still very very young. I know bringing up kids on your own is a tough job. Making ends meet isn’t easy.
I understand now, that being hard and strong was her only way to cope with it all.
Being pushy and blunt was her way of telling me that she hoped for me to have a better life than she had. Having no empathy was her way of wanting me to feel no pain.
She only wanted the best for me; she wanted me to have everything she didn’t have in her life. She wanted me to fulfill my dreams and not be let down – as she had been – by tragedy and life’s circumstances.
She didn’t allow her softer feelings out anymore, for fear of causing pain. She couldn’t let love in anymore because destiny hadn’t been easy on her. She encapsulated herself behind hard walls just to cope.
I understand, now that she has passed, she is able to feel that love again…
In her current state, she can be open to unconditional love – the all encompassing love there is.
In the End there is only Love. I know her soul is filling up with that love now, a love she withheld from herself for far too long. This love was a love she was afraid to let in in life – a love she might have felt guilty for receiving. A love she is able to spread to all of her loved ones freely now.
Do I feel guilty for not having been in contact?
No, not really. I know we all live our lives and that we all deal with our life experiences on in a different ways – and that is all ok. Everything is ok.
We are not here to judge others; we are here to understand that we are all different and yet, still the same. We are here to feel love and let love flow freely. We are here to be compassionate about our lives and the lives of others. We are here to accept that some people close up – that some people have a hard time dealing with challenges they face in life- and that is ok.
We can only be there for others and let them know that we are here for them whenever they are ready for our support and love.
We can never change others or help them if they don’t want to be helped.
Maybe others have a lesson to learn by being hardened. What do we know?
Maybe we have a lesson to learn by seeing others being so hard on themselves and everyone else.
And it’s all very much ok as it is.
I know in the end there is only love.
I know that, on a soul level, my godmother and I always loved each other. I feel at peace and hope she has found eternal peace with herself and is fulfilled in the love there is for her now – in the afterlife.
I know she is now able to let that love flow freely – not only to herself, but also to everyone she was close with in life, especially to her three wonderful daughters.
If you want to learn more about how to accept and love yourself, you can read my blog post on that topic here.
My cousins I love very much and feel very close to, especially at this time when we are saying good bye.
There was only love
and love is all
there ever will be….
In deep sympathy for everyone who is missing a loved one
I have experienced the loss of my father, when I was barely an adult. I hope you find some comfort in reading about my journey here.
Caroline Doris Palmy
This blog piece is dedicated to my godmother Doris, whose name I use as my middle name with love.
PS:
No matter, how you parted, what your last words were
remember there is only love now
Your loved ones want you to lead a happy life filled with joy and laughter
They are here to support you and sending you all their love to give to yourself
Let go of guilt and pain and start living a life filled with love
If you need help with grief, guilt or pain, I am here for you.
Energy Healing is a wonderful tool that is easy and gentle and powerful enough to help you feel better and come to terms with what is. You can contact me (click here) to arrange an Introductory Session.
